Tips to avoid conflict
The key to avoiding conflict is to talk to your teen in a way that she is less likely to become defensive. When we are nervous or angry, we tend to blame. When we blame, people tend to feel judged or defensive. That can make them freeze in their position. In the case of adolescents, it can make them become rigid, withdraw, or rebel.
It is common to tell people precisely what they are doing to mess up. These kinds of statements always begin with “you.” Instead, try out the “I statement.” “I feel this way when …” “This makes me think . . .” Teens are more likely to listen to your experience when they do not start out feeling blamed as the cause of the problem.
Learn to talk so kids can understand
Adults tend to lecture teens when we get frustrated, angry, or worried. Lectures string together all sorts of worries, pointing out how one behavior leads to the next until the final dire (often exaggerated!) consequence is reached. The problem is that lectures are so complex, the adolescent mind often doesn’t absorb the message. The young person hears the anger and interprets it as though he or she is considered incapable of wise decisions. But they miss the point we try to make because the teen brain may not be ready to think in that complex way. As a result, adolescents often go out of their way to prove us wrong.
There is a better way of getting across your ideas. Rather than stringing them along in a lecture, break your concerns into small simple parts. At each point, adolescents should know why we are worried and then should be asked whether they could imagine their current behavior leading to the next. “Could you imagine behavior ‘a’ leading to consequence ‘b’?” “Have you ever seen that happen, or seen it on TV?” Only when the adolescent has grasped the first connection do you ask him to consider the next. This allows even younger teens to understand points they never could have grasped in a complex lecture. Once again, having figured out the problem on his own, there is no reason to reject the ideas.
Avoid different adults sending conflicting messages
Don’t be surprised when your teen wants fewer and easier rules than you do.
There is a good chance, if you are like most families, that you and the other adults in your teen’s life don’t always agree on rules. Teens tend to pit adults against each other and to favor the parent with the easiest rules. This might be particularly true if you are separated or divorced.
But driving is a life-and-death issue. It’s critical that adults present a unified front. Please take the time to disagree in private so that your adolescent sees that all the adults in the picture agree this is a safety issue.