Effective Parenting for Teens

Sometimes teens know exactly the right thing to do, but just don’t do it. The truth is that you can precisely say the perfect words to guide your adolescent towards safety and he can absorb the words and even share your values; but, when faced with the realities of peer culture, he may forget all he knows and even much of what you have agreed upon.

It’s important to understand why this happens so we can help teens do the right thing even when they feel the pressure to ‘forget” what they know. Teens interact with the pushes, pulls, and pressures of peer culture daily. They don’t want to be different from their friends and won’t risk embarrassment for standing up for their own ideals.

The good news is they usually want to do the right thing. We wish they would just clearly state their ideals, values, and safety concerns. But the world isn’t always that perfect.

We need to give teens an “out,” so they can do the right thing while saving face. You are going to be this way out. Take advantage of the fact that many teens think parents set unreasonable rules. You take the heat. Accept the blame. Let your teen describe you as totally unreasonable. When they want to do the right thing, but don’t want to be seen as different, let them blame you!

Two techniques can be used to make the right choices around driving and other behaviors:

• Code word
• The check-in rule

Code word

You agree on a code word or phrase that your teen will use to communicate to you as needed. The code should not be used casually. It’s a real cry to be rescued from harm or a very uncomfortable situation.

1. Your teen calls you when in a challenging spot, complaining all the while to her friends about how unreasonable it is that she has to check in with her demanding parents.
2. She casually slips in the code word to inform you she is in trouble and needs you. She might say something like, “What’s up?” (a phrase she only uses as a code) or “I’m gonna stay late at Sophie’s to do homework, will you walk Spot?”
3. You react angrily and speak loudly enough for her friends to hear you through the phone. “What do you mean by checking in now! GET HOME RIGHT THIS MINUTE!”
4. If she can get home safely, she will hang up and complain that you once again have ruined her life.
5. If she can’t get home safely, she can complain. “What do you mean, I have to come home now? I don’t have to listen to you.” That is her signal that she needs you to come and get her. So you demand to know where she is and go get her.
6. When she is safely home, you praise her for using her head to get out of trouble. You do not punish her for getting into the situation, or that may be the last time she calls. Do discuss strategies for avoiding similar situations in the future. Then, create a new code word to use later.

The Check-in Rule

When children are small, parents have a bedtime ritual. It might include reading books, bathing, or prayers. But teens sneak in the house after parents are long asleep. This allows them to hide from us. No matter how late your teen comes into the house, he should check in with you. Have a brief conversation, don’t ask intrusive questions. This will reassure him of your constant presence and concern. It will help you know he is not driving after curfew. Perhaps most importantly, when presented with the opportunity to drink or take drugs, he can turn to his friends and say truthfully, “Are you kidding, my mom and dad check me out when I get home!”

You are not alone! This can be a hard time for parents, and a great time to connect with other parents. First, it will allow you to share wisdom and experience about how to handle stressful driving situations. More important, it will allow you to band together and create “community rules” around teen driving. Your teen will be a new driver at the same time as many of his friends. He will struggle less with rules and find it easier to make safe decisions (seat belt ALWAYS, speeding NEVER, no teen passengers during the first six months of driving), when he is not alone.

Teens don’t like to stand out by not going along with their friends. They like to do what everybody is doing. When parents band together to make common rules they not only make it easier for themselves, but also make it easier for their teens to do the right thing.